I remember the day my life flipped upside down. I was driving with my mom, talking about how my dad had been slurring his speech a lot lately. I asked her if she thought he had lou gehrig's disease. I'd heard a rumour through the family… but i didn't really know what it was to be honest. When my mom took me and my brother on the porch the next day and really broke down what ALS is… and how my dad was going to die, without a doubt, sometime in the next 4 years.
I broke down. Somebody i looked up to everyday to be like was just not gonna be there for me anymore, and i had to watch him slowly fade away. I could never look at my father the same way.
It was the spring semester of my freshman year of High School. 2 and a half years later and still the thoughts pass my head several times a day “my dad is going to die” “i need to support my mom when he passes” “my dad Isn't going to meet my kids one day” “what am i going to do when it happens”.
The hardest part of it all is just watching him die. My dad is there but i can barely talk to him. When i can't understand what he's saying it really ruins me. All the father and son talks me and my dad had, we can't have anymore.
I honestly don't know how my mom does it. She's his main caretaker. My mom and dad are the absolute true meaning of till death do us part. She's always with him, taking care of him. She barely sleeps. She has to deal with the combined stress of my dad dieing and all of her 3 sons problems… especially mine.
I started really dabbling in the drug world my sophomore year. The numb feeling was what really set me on to drugs. I drank very occasionally at the time but when i did drink… i would get wasted every time. 4 out of 5 times throwing up. I could see myself slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the world of drugs. I realised I was really angry at god. How could there be someone up there “taking care of us” that would let such atrocities as this happen. The little faith i had in god was completely gone by now.
Then my junior year came, girls came. I started partying more, drinking less at a time, but drinking every night almost. I learned to love alcohol, the sunny feeling it gave me, the feeling that nothing can go wrong, the feeling that everything is ok. I loved the party lifestyle. I loved the women, the crazy things that happened, and meeting so many new people. I probably made 100 friends in a summer.
I've come to realise too, that it's all a distraction from life. My ADD ridden brain was getting distracted from what i should have been doing. Now i have to live with the regret for the rest of my life. That i made my dad's final months a hell at home. I was never there for him, they were constantly worrying where i was. if i was safe? if i'd come home alive? In a matter of weeks i had wrecked my car while under the influence and gone to jail twice for drinking infractions. On top of all that i was still lying to my parents about where i was going at night. Id say im going to a friends but i'd be at somebody else's house talking to girls and such. For this i will never forgive myself.
Last night my family told me my dad was going into hospice. I didn't really know what it meant so i googled it. It means my dad has made the decision that the time is now. He is going to stop taking his medication, and let the world take him away from us.
Now i'm here writing this… and telling myself “you're going to do this, you're going to be here for your dad, for his final weeks. Your not gonna cry in front of him. But for once in your life, your gonna be there for your family.”. I hope
I broke down. Somebody i looked up to everyday to be like was just not gonna be there for me anymore, and i had to watch him slowly fade away. I could never look at my father the same way.
It was the spring semester of my freshman year of High School. 2 and a half years later and still the thoughts pass my head several times a day “my dad is going to die” “i need to support my mom when he passes” “my dad Isn't going to meet my kids one day” “what am i going to do when it happens”.
The hardest part of it all is just watching him die. My dad is there but i can barely talk to him. When i can't understand what he's saying it really ruins me. All the father and son talks me and my dad had, we can't have anymore.
I honestly don't know how my mom does it. She's his main caretaker. My mom and dad are the absolute true meaning of till death do us part. She's always with him, taking care of him. She barely sleeps. She has to deal with the combined stress of my dad dieing and all of her 3 sons problems… especially mine.
I started really dabbling in the drug world my sophomore year. The numb feeling was what really set me on to drugs. I drank very occasionally at the time but when i did drink… i would get wasted every time. 4 out of 5 times throwing up. I could see myself slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the world of drugs. I realised I was really angry at god. How could there be someone up there “taking care of us” that would let such atrocities as this happen. The little faith i had in god was completely gone by now.
Then my junior year came, girls came. I started partying more, drinking less at a time, but drinking every night almost. I learned to love alcohol, the sunny feeling it gave me, the feeling that nothing can go wrong, the feeling that everything is ok. I loved the party lifestyle. I loved the women, the crazy things that happened, and meeting so many new people. I probably made 100 friends in a summer.
I've come to realise too, that it's all a distraction from life. My ADD ridden brain was getting distracted from what i should have been doing. Now i have to live with the regret for the rest of my life. That i made my dad's final months a hell at home. I was never there for him, they were constantly worrying where i was. if i was safe? if i'd come home alive? In a matter of weeks i had wrecked my car while under the influence and gone to jail twice for drinking infractions. On top of all that i was still lying to my parents about where i was going at night. Id say im going to a friends but i'd be at somebody else's house talking to girls and such. For this i will never forgive myself.
Last night my family told me my dad was going into hospice. I didn't really know what it meant so i googled it. It means my dad has made the decision that the time is now. He is going to stop taking his medication, and let the world take him away from us.
Now i'm here writing this… and telling myself “you're going to do this, you're going to be here for your dad, for his final weeks. Your not gonna cry in front of him. But for once in your life, your gonna be there for your family.”. I hope
The Day That Changed Me
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